If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
