Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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