i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize