you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
