Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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