Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
