threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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