I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
