there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
