I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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