i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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