she was so not down for the gang bang
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
