my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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