Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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