He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I wish you could order shots online.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
