Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
In America we eat man semen.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
