My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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