My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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