i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
