I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
