I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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