dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
