I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
