I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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