He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
