I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
