So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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