I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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