Umm I'm too high to move.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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