Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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