I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
