you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
