I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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