woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
