She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
