Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
