Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it's like iHOP with fire
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples