the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.