saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
