just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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