mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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