I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
