fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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