My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
