i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
