I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
