In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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