God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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