I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
