Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
