So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
