I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
