This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
