why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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