dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
