Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
