Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
