I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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